Sometimes the very things that look like the biggest mistakes and disappointments can be the exact things that will reposition you for the life you've always been destined to have.
I’d wake up with panic attacks- literal chest pains and shortness of breath- that is if the stress and obsessive thoughts didn’t keep me up all night instead. I’d go on my break at work and cry silently to myself in the corner or in my bed when I went home. Being lost, discouraged, and uncontrollably angry and frustrated at myself for my current situation. I felt trapped. I barely made enough money to cover my living expenses, let alone enough to allow me to move forward with my business or move closer to the city where I thought my dreams as a writer could be solidified.
I was trapped, and every day was more stress and headaches than it was worth. I had only been working at this job for a couple weeks before I was already on a regular daily search for a new one online. Something in marketing or multimedia to help me with my own aspiring business idea.
Then one day while I was helping to print pages for a college professors text book and watching my coworkers frantically try to bind them all in time for the end of day pickup- I had an epiphany.
I wanted to work in publishing.
I’ve always wanted to work in publishing. Music publishing, book publishing, and before it went the way of the dinosaur, even magazine publishing.
All the feelings came flooding back.
I remembered how when I was in 8th grade and had a project in English class to design a magazine- was one of my favorite school assignments ever. I experienced the most pride I’ve ever had in school.
Or how I desperately wanted to transfer to Emerson College in Boston to study Writing and Publishing and then chickened out. Only to end up nearly 15 years later torturing myself with the fear I made the wrong choice and missed my chance forever.
And then another revelation came upon me:
This job that looked like a mistake, a settle, a plan B of mediocrity, was really transitioning me back into the person I was always meant to be.
I no longer had to wish I could be working in publishing or beat myself up for missing my opportunity. I WAS working in a side of publishing already. Granted it was the production and design side, and the books and publications we did were not quite what I was going for. But it was still a related field none the less. A lot of the publishing industry jobs I found based in New York City preferred applicants with print and or design experience. I was already gaining a bit of both. I was by no means a pro yet, but I finally could see how the skills I was gaining at this little company that paid me $11 an hour could be positioned on my resume for a future career in marketing and publishing that I was interested in.
I also was seeing how I could use it to help me revamp my own business model. Femmespire Media would no long be positioned as a multimedia production and promotions company, but as a multimedia publishing company. Something I was aspiring to already I just hadn’t made the connection to the work yet.
With a new perspective, vision, and passion, Femmespire Media was evolving. And I realized I didn’t have to regret anymore.
The very thing that felt like a consolation prize, a plan D, a frustrating disappointment, was one of the very things that was preparing and pushing me toward my destiny all along. Within a few months of that epiphany I would have begun writing my book "Create the Life You Want" and completed drafts to a couple more.
My perceived mistakes brought me back full circle to the person I always wanted to be, making it easier to pursue the dreams I had in my heart all along.
And Joyce Meyer’s words echoed through me. They echo through me right now, like a comforting reminder from God “It’s never too late to begin again.” And begin again I shall.
Now, it's nearly two years later. I'm still working on the book "Create the Life You Want" and about to publish another ("Better Late Than Never") but this week I'm back to obsessing and struggling with my regrets of the past again. I can't shake the feelings of how I wish I could do my entire life over. How I wish I took French in High School or went to college for Publishing, and any number of other regrets I battle with on a daily basis. But it's all just wasted negative energy. Stealing the time I could be spending writing these very books and scripts I have in my heart to share.
I hadn't read this essay since I first wrote it all that time ago, but rediscovering it has encouraged me. And I hope the lessons I'm learning will encourage you too.
Sometimes the very things that look like the biggest mistakes and disappointments can be the exact things that will reposition you for the life you've always been destined to have. You don't have to regret every past perceived "poor" decision as a failure. If you're created to do something then God and the universe will bring you back full circle again until you finally do it. You just have to have faith.
But if some inspirational books from authors like Joyce Meyer (and hopefully me someday) encourage you to get back at it sooner, then that's cool too. Create the life you want. And don't forget: It's never too late to #BeginAgain. It's #BetterLateThanNever.