I mean, I barely understand it half the time myself. However, I’ve been known to have panic attacks or at least shaky hands & voice during stressful confrontations with customers, or honestly, many social situations in general. So, as much as I felt encouraged and empowered by the words displayed, I also felt terribly convicted and ashamed.
Because I knew- deep down- I wasn’t living as the “bold” and “empowered” woman I always wrote about and encouraged others to be through my blogs, songs and stage plays.
Having anxiety is a bitch.
Anyway, now five years later, I am FINALLY trying to live by and accomplish what I preach- mental health issues be damned! Which is easier said than done, I know. But I’m not giving up and I’m not giving in until I accomplish the goals and dreams in my heart. Things just might take me a bit longer to complete than my non-neurodivergent comrades. But it WILL HAPPEN or I will die trying.
I’m already SO CLOSE. The multiple book ideas, stage plays and songs I’ve had floating around in my head and pieced on my computer are now like 90% done. OK, well, some books like “Better Late Than Never” and “Dancing in the End Zone” are basically ready to go, however, my perfectionist and insecure side has just been holding them up longer in my mind than it should. However, since nothing in life can or will be completely 100% perfect, it’s time to start accepting that and putting myself and my work out there boldly and unapologetically once and for all.
One deep, calming breath at a time.
I wish I had done this sooner- instead of living behind fears and excuses. I would certainly be a heck of lot further along in my life and career if I had. But just like my book, it’s better late than never, right?
And like that little image tacked up on the wall of the cash register said: It’s time to “BE BOLD” and dive head first into my goals. It’s time to finally practice what I preach and start believing in MYSELF wholeheartedly like I believe in other people. And that goes for you too. Whatever that means for you.
Maybe it’s a creative passion or finishing that college degree? Or being vulnerable enough to put yourself out there to find the love of your life and start that family you always wanted? Maybe you want to get involved in your community and make more friends, or perform at that open mic you were previously afraid to sign up for? Maybe it’s finally going to the gym and losing that weight that always made you feel so insecure and less than (even though you are lovable the way you are- curves and all)? Or literally ANY number of other struggles, issues or lost dreams. All are valid and should be pursued. At least that’s what I believe.
No matter where you are in life, I’m sure there has been something that you wish you could have done differently or was different about your life. And that’s OK, we are ALL a work in progress. And I truly believe we all have so much more to offer the world now and in the future- regardless of our pasts, struggles or mental health conditions.
Because life is short and we only get one. We have to make it the one WE want and stop being afraid of what anyone else thinks, what some hurtful thing someone in our past has said, and most importantly to stop SETTLING.
I know I have settled for a mediocre life and shitty retail jobs more than I want to admit because I think deep down I feared the terrible things I was told growing up were true and I really am not good enough or lovable enough to be, have and do what I have always so desperately dreamed of.
But deep down I know that is a lie and I have just as good of a chance as anyone else in this world. I am good enough, lovable enough, and still completely capable to do the things I always truly dreamed of doing my whole life. And so are YOU.
I am determined to start turning my life around. I have sooo many things I want to accomplish and build up in my life. Even though I don’t know how I will do that sometimes.
I have been so incredibly sad about my lot in life. I have so many regrets and disappointments in life that I need to overcome. But I can, and I WILL. I just have to make a decision to finally BE BOLD, take more chances and put myself out there. Writing vulnerable posts like this are just the beginning of that. And I will continue to do that until my life is finally everything I hoped for or I leave this earth.
Sometimes that’s all we truly need to aim for in life. It’s better late than never to finally make the decision to be bold in your life. Believe in yourself, take some chances and pursue your truth whole-heartedly- whatever that is. If you do, you can be “Dancing in the End Zone” of your life. That’s what I pray for myself and I pray for you too. So, step out in boldness and believe. You are enough the way you are, you are more capable than you know, and you can live a better life than you ever imagined if you just don’t give up.