So, Friday was my birthday. I spent the night before and the morning of being terribly depressed, obsessing about what I want to do with my future and beating myself up about my choices in the past. All because at now 36, my life looks nothing like I planned when I was in High School, a time when I felt like I knew myself the best. Somewhere along the way I got lost. I stopped following my heart and started using my head, making decisions based on what I thought were more practical or that I thought other people would approve of instead of boldly and unapologetically pursuing the real dreams in my heart. Somewhere along the way I stopped being authentic. Or maybe I never really was. But no more!
In reality, I have a nice life and am working on a lot of great projects that I’m very proud of. I’ve got a few one act musical plays that I’ve written and will be producing when this whole Covid19/Social Distancing craziness is over. I’m currently in the process of producing demos for the soundtracks for the shows and other music to encourage people. As well as a bunch of other projects that are still in the early stages.
But in the last few years I had suffered so much regret and self-loathing for how I let my life turn out, I admit I haven’t fully enjoyed the last few years at all. I’m never living in the moment because I’m always either too busy kicking myself for my past decisions (not following my heart) and stuck worrying about what to do now so I don’t suffer the same regrets in the future. Neither of which make me a fun person to be around, and my poor boyfriend, bless his heart, gets ignored more than I like to admit because I’m always so lost in my head to give him attention. Another thing I’m sure I’ll regret in the future, but that’s a message for another day.
The point is that I’m this far into adulthood and I’m still thrashing around trying to figure out who I am, who I want to be, and how to get BACK to the person I was supposed to be all along. Right now I feel so behind. Like 10-15 years behind. There’s so much work that would need to be done in order to make up for all the time and experiences I missed out on and to do everything I always planned to have done by this time in my life. It’s overwhelming and frustrating to think about. And I admit, I go through these ruts that sometimes last weeks and even months where I’m so overwhelmed and discouraged, losing out on hope, that I don’t do anything but obsessively Google random stuff online or just reread drafts of scripts over and over again in an anxiety ridden haze. And then one day I wake up, more motivated and determined than ever to write and create, only to be frustrated again because I realize how much MORE time I wasted that I could have used to help me get closer to my dreams and living my passion. And thus, the vicious cycle continues.
I know I’m not the only one who struggles with these kinds of things. So I want to encourage others with a lesson I’m learning. You might have made mistakes or feel like you missed your chance, but if you’re still alive and kicking then you can STILL pursue the life you imagined. It might have to happen differently than how you originally envisioned when you were young and unencumbered by the negativity and discouragement from the world, your own limiting thinking, or well-meaning but unbelieving people in your life. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t at least TRY.
It doesn’t matter how long it’s been since you were on the right path. You can always get back to it. All you have to do it “Start where you are. Pick up where you left off. And get back to doing what has always been deep in your heart.”
In reality, I have a nice life and am working on a lot of great projects that I’m very proud of. I’ve got a few one act musical plays that I’ve written and will be producing when this whole Covid19/Social Distancing craziness is over. I’m currently in the process of producing demos for the soundtracks for the shows and other music to encourage people. As well as a bunch of other projects that are still in the early stages.
But in the last few years I had suffered so much regret and self-loathing for how I let my life turn out, I admit I haven’t fully enjoyed the last few years at all. I’m never living in the moment because I’m always either too busy kicking myself for my past decisions (not following my heart) and stuck worrying about what to do now so I don’t suffer the same regrets in the future. Neither of which make me a fun person to be around, and my poor boyfriend, bless his heart, gets ignored more than I like to admit because I’m always so lost in my head to give him attention. Another thing I’m sure I’ll regret in the future, but that’s a message for another day.
The point is that I’m this far into adulthood and I’m still thrashing around trying to figure out who I am, who I want to be, and how to get BACK to the person I was supposed to be all along. Right now I feel so behind. Like 10-15 years behind. There’s so much work that would need to be done in order to make up for all the time and experiences I missed out on and to do everything I always planned to have done by this time in my life. It’s overwhelming and frustrating to think about. And I admit, I go through these ruts that sometimes last weeks and even months where I’m so overwhelmed and discouraged, losing out on hope, that I don’t do anything but obsessively Google random stuff online or just reread drafts of scripts over and over again in an anxiety ridden haze. And then one day I wake up, more motivated and determined than ever to write and create, only to be frustrated again because I realize how much MORE time I wasted that I could have used to help me get closer to my dreams and living my passion. And thus, the vicious cycle continues.
I know I’m not the only one who struggles with these kinds of things. So I want to encourage others with a lesson I’m learning. You might have made mistakes or feel like you missed your chance, but if you’re still alive and kicking then you can STILL pursue the life you imagined. It might have to happen differently than how you originally envisioned when you were young and unencumbered by the negativity and discouragement from the world, your own limiting thinking, or well-meaning but unbelieving people in your life. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t at least TRY.
It doesn’t matter how long it’s been since you were on the right path. You can always get back to it. All you have to do it “Start where you are. Pick up where you left off. And get back to doing what has always been deep in your heart.”