June 16, 2018
OK, so I have a confession to make. I…am a hypocrite. All this time I’ve been here working on this book about “Creating the life You Want” encouraging people to pursue their dreams, to not look back, to stop making excuses for why they don’t have what they want and just own up to their mistakes and go forward. And I haven’t even really been doing it myself.
My boyfriend Adam called me out on it. I was pissed at the time, but he was right.
Yes, I said it. I know the independent spirited, punk rock feminist bassist from high school inside of me just fainted thinking about it. But he was right.
This entire time I’ve been trying to encourage and empower other people to live their best life possible and stop settling, and I haven’t been doing it myself. Not wholeheartedly anyway.
I might be actively working on my business Femmespire Media and building a marketing career, but I’m still compromising.
See, at the time of this writing, nearly a year after having come up with the idea for this book, I am STILL working at this tiny printing company that only pays me $11 an hour and expects the work of someone paid twice as much. I’m stressed out every day, taking supplements and medication to help manage the stress and anxiety that the job induces, ruining my liver from the copious amounts of alcohol I’ve gotten into the habit of consuming after work to unwind from the stress of the day, and undoubtedly destroying the lining of my stomach from all the OTC pain relievers I take nearly daily from the physical pains of the job. All the while barely making enough to pay my living expenses, and that’s without even currently owning a vehicle or having health insurance.
That is crazy!
This should not be the accepted lifestyle of a hard working 34 year old with a college degree. Maybe it has a little to do with my Millennial status? But that’s a topic for another day.
Anyway, today I begin my first day working for a new company. A not for profit, where I will get paid to manage their social media marketing and researching and writing for their newsletters. All within the comforts of a cozy home office and minimal customer interactions. Plus, I will be making a significant amount of money more an hour.
I took the plunge and applied and got hired on the spot. I felt so empowered.
The problem is, though, I feel guilty leaving my current employer. They’re great people, a married couple, and the wife I absolutely adore. To the point, I will admit, I might refer to as a straight girl crush. She’s strong and confident, holds down the fort like a boss (no pun intended), and knows her shit. That place would be lost without her.
But I know I desire more than a job that pays me barely over minimum wage and wears me out emotionally and physically on a daily basis.
So, that’s why I have to leave.
I originally gave them a whole two-month notice. I regret the way I went about it now. Which is also a story for another day. But now it’s time to own up to my mistakes and practice what I preach.
So, I am finally giving them my two-week notice.
And I’m terrified.
It’s currently 4:26am on the first morning of my new job, and I can’t sleep because of the anxiety of speaking to my current bosses and disappointing them.
It’s Saturday. Should I call them with my decision? Can I text them? Or do I have to wait until Monday morning when I go back to my job there and hope they don’t chastise me for changing my plans?
I had just told them this week I would stay on part-time to help them because I know how hard it is to find people and they are short staffed (and the not-for-profit job won’t have full time hours for me just yet). But deep down inside I know that is a bad idea. My gut, my instinct, says it will be more stress than it’s worth even at that level. I’d just be compromising on what I really want to do with my life. Short changing myself in the long run.
I've always talked a big game about following your heart, not compromising on who you are and what you REALLY want, and basically just confidently being you. With determination and focus. But I have a hard time doing it myself because I hate to disappoint people. I have a people pleasing, approval addiction I guess. I have self-psychoanalyzed it stemming from never feeling like I could please my parents throughout my own life. Again, that’s a story for another day.
But I know this is the time I have to finally start walking the walk and talking the talk, no matter how scary it is. I need to stop being a hypocrite. I might not have it all together just yet, and maybe I never completely will, but I know I’m on the right path to getting there.
As author and preacher Joyce Meyer always says “I might not be where I ought to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be. I’m OK and I’m on my way.” And so are you. Thank you for following me on this journey.